Since I have been engaged, while I have gotten a lot of congratulatory wishes from friends, some older, more cynical people just won’t let me be. I have heard the following comments, knocking me from my I’m-getting-married-to-the-love-of-my-life pedestal: “It will never last,” “You won’t even make it to the altar,” “Marriage is so difficult,” “It’s so hard to make it work” and my favorite, accompanied by an eye roll and a horribly sarcastic tone, “Good luck to you!” I get lectures on the struggles that lie ahead, looks of sympathy, and speeches on how terrible my life will be in about 10 years when I will apparently hate my husband. Can’t anyone just let me be happy? People love my fiancé and no one has ever said that I am not ready. So why is this such a mistake? Why do some adults who have had bad experiences decide to kill my happiness with nasty remarks instead of just saying congratulations?
Don’t get me wrong, I have not allowed my happiness to overpower my common sense. I know all about the struggles of marriage. I know all about the heartache: that children can strain a marriage, that money issues can blow up, that a couple can lose their connection, that job stress can take a toll and that changing and growing older can aid in the dissolution of what once was real love. I know it’s not always easy or fun, and that it’s not perfect forever.
I saw this firsthand when my parents were divorced last year. I watched their once-perfect union fall apart amid unhappiness, pain, desperation, frustration, sadness and anger. Marriage can be a beautiful journey, but it isn’t for everyone. My mom and dad are much happier apart. I thought I wouldn’t want to be married after living through that until I met the man of my dreams and he changed my mind.
My fiancé has incredible parents. They have been together since they were in high school, more than 30 years, and they have five children, crazy work schedules, and the same issues as everyone else. But they are an exception because they are still madly in love. It’s a breath of fresh air to be with them. I see in them a love that is different and I think that I have that as well. You never know where life will take you, but I think it is a dangerous assumption that a marriage can never work out, or that it isn’t worth a try. It can last. My future in-laws are proof that a marriage can withstand the many potential catastrophes and last a lifetime.
My relationship with my fiancé is not perfect, but it is fantastic. Being with him brings out a better and happier version of me. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else. We have a healthy and wonderful way of communicating. But most importantly, I love him without condition. And he loves me for who I am without judgment, without complaining about how messy I am or getting annoyed at how crazy and neurotic I can be. We always put each other first and always make time for each other no matter how busy our world gets. He is as excited as I am to get married, and together we are confident in our compatibility and our ability to last forever. We have the example of his parents and mine, examples to learn from, what mistakes not to make, and how to create a stable foundation that will last beyond the present time.
One day, I may look back with stale, wrinkled eyes and see a silly little girl who didn’t know what she was talking about. One day my relationship may not be as wonderful as it is now. But I am not going to go into marriage waiting for everything to fall apart. I’m not planning ahead for my divorce or imagining myself as a walking statistic. When I say “I do,” I am saying I promise to love forever, not “until this isn’t perfect and I want out.” I mean forever.
When I was younger, I dreamed about getting married. I dressed up in my mom’s wedding dress and veil, put on ridiculous amounts of poorly-placed pink blush, carried a bouquet of fake flowers from the vase on the kitchen table and thought about how wonderful it would be to do that for real. I know now that the dream I had of married life was a little too optimistic and hopeful to say the least.
Now I have a gorgeous wedding dress of my own. I’ll wear it proudly and say “I do!” and dance and eat cake that costs way too much money. I will enjoy that one amazing day with all of my being. But I know that day will end, and once it’s over, I’ll have to make plans for the future, and my husband and I will have to work hard to reach our mutual goals. And I’ll try with everything I am to prove to everyone that we can make it work, to make the 6-year-old version of me proud.
So, for all of you divorced folk out there, or those of you unhappily married, or those who are just plain cynical, I am sorry that you aren’t crazy in love anymore. I am sorry if you never found someone who makes you catch your breath. But for now, let me have my fun, let me bask in the glory of ridiculous, consuming, delicious, beautiful, wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime love. You don’t have to tell me what I already know. For now, just let me be happy.
