The woman, who posted her dilemma on Mumsnet under the heading “Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?”, explained that her son and his fiancèe were planning a wedding with 50 guests next June. She said she was keen to find out who had been invited and who hadn’t, as she is concerned that members of the extended family will be upset.

Newsweek spoke to a wedding expert about the pressure couples feel when it comes to the guest list for their big day.

Zoe Burke, editor of wedding planning website Hitched, said: “Wedding guest lists are notoriously tricky to navigate—and the thing that makes them so challenging is other people’s opinions.

“In a poll of Hitched users we discovered that almost three-quarters of couples feel pressure to invite certain people to their weddings and, sadly, the majority of that pressure comes from family members.

“We’re also seeing a trend when it comes to guest lists, and that is that they are getting smaller and far more tailored than the big, traditional weddings from before the pandemic. So, it can be difficult being on the outside, especially when you’re so close to the couple and it’s not how you would do it yourself, but ultimately the couple’s decisions are the only ones that really count.”

The Mumsnet post has prompted more than 450 replies, with some commenters saying the woman has no right to ask to see the guest list—let alone to add names to it—unless she is paying for the wedding.

The woman, who used the handle mdinbc, explained in follow-up comments that she had given the couple £3,000 ($3,460), as she had done when her daughter got married, “but with no stipulations” about how they should organise their big day.

The average sum spent on a ceremony and reception in 2021 was $28,000, according to wedding planner app The Knot, which said this amount was back in line with pre-pandemic spending.

The mother-in-law wrote: “They have indicated no children, which I know will greatly upset my [daughter] who will have to travel to the wedding. I don’t think any of my side of the family is invited either. Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I’m started to get worried about people being offended.”

Burke pointed out that child-free weddings were not uncommon.

She told Newsweek: “Having children at your wedding totally changes the dynamic of the day and throws up a lot of other considerations, such as children’s meals, additional entertainment, contingency plans for if they are disruptive during the speeches and ceremony. It’s not something that every couple wants to deal with on their big day, but the invitations should go out with enough notice for invited guests to arrange childcare.

“Ultimately, the day belongs to the couple who are planning and paying for it. So, even if people are offended, that is a problem for the newlyweds—and they will have weighed it up. No one makes a guest list casually!”

In follow-up comments, the woman said: “They can have a huge wedding, or elope, we don’t really mind. The money is for them to have a lovely wedding of their choice. It would mean the world to us to have [our four grandchildren] included and we would offer more to have them, but not if it creates a conflict for them.”

Mumsnet commenters thought asking to see the list was a bad idea. One wrote: “If you’re not paying, it’s none of your business!”

Another posted: “If your intention is to ask them to change or add to the guest list, then do not do it.”

One asked: “What would you do with the information? I can’t see any positive outcomes.”

It would be “rude and disrespectful,” according to one commenter. She added: “If they are wanting to keep the guest list below 50 then I would expect no more than 10 relatives from each side of the family absolute maximum, but in a lot of weddings, you’d have a situation where inviting immediate siblings and parents plus their partners got you to near this limit, and if you added in all the aunts, uncles and first cousins you would definitely go way over so you, therefore, don’t cast the net that wide.”

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.

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