The daughter-in-law described the saga in a Mumsnet post on Tuesday, saying her husband’s mother had already mentioned her supposed “favoritism” to him and she feared a confrontation was coming.
Using the handle DamnedIfDoOrDont, she wrote: “I think my mother-in-law is going to confront me about her and father-in-law not being ’treated equally’ with my parent.”
The original poster explained: “My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the children and make my life a lot easier as my husband works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my children to school.”
Her in-laws live only 45 minutes away but do not help with the children, she added. “My parents-in-law have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute.”
Mumsnet readers were solidly on the daughter-in-law’s side, while Megan Vogels, a licensed counselor based in Denver, said the situation reflected how in-law relationships can range anywhere “from close to strained.”
Vogels told Newsweek: “You become a family but may not share some of the same values, experiences or ’norms’ of how to communicate, what is expected and how to be together.”
In the Mumsnet case, the tensions appear to have been bubbling under the surface for some time. The original poster wrote: “If I invite my parent for Christmas, [my in-laws] refuse to come and childishly say things like ‘Well, you won’t want us there then.’
She added: “I used to include them a lot but it is petty things like this that have made me say, sod it, my husband can deal with them.”
Vogels said it was clear “there is some strain—from the wedding babysitting incident if nothing else—but we don’t know the details of how she asked the in-laws to babysit or why they had to withdraw.”
The counselor added that the daughter-in-law might have to take the first steps to improve the situation. “They are physically close by and have relationships with the family. It may fall on this woman to ‘be the bigger person’ and try reaching out or trying a few more things if she hasn’t already,” she said.
Some Mumsnet commenters felt this wasn’t the original poster’s job. One wrote: “You’re not responsible for their feelings. If they need reassurance, your husband can provide that if he’s willing. But you don’t need to do anything.”
Other users offered ideas for what the woman should say if confronted by her mother-in-law. One posted: “She doesn’t deserve to be treated equally and she needs to be told that.”
Another said: “I would tell them they can babysit or take the children to school or cook you dinner or clean any time they like. Just like your parent does.”
According to Vogels, the best way to keep in-law tensions at bay is to communicate. “Frequently, the best thing families can do is to talk about it. It can be scary or stressful to start these kinds of conversations or to have conflict, but dealing directly and kindly can usually save all parties a lot of extra time and hurt feelings.”
She added: “It might also help for this woman—or the couple—to occasionally get some support from a neutral third party, like a therapist, to process feelings and plan for how to address and repair them.”
Newsweek has not been able to verify the details of the case.
