In a post shared on Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum, user singingamy said their 29-year-old daughter was “22 stone” (around 308 lbs, or 139 kilos) when she had their granddaughter four years ago.

She “had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight.”

According to the user, their daughter allegedly “gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after [her] pregnancy.

“I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it, and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD [dear daughter] and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I can’t really win either way,” the user said.

A July 2019 study published in the Endocrinology and Metabolism Clinics of North America journal stated that obesity is associated with a significant “psychosocial burden.”

The report said many people who are obese also struggle with issues related to their mood, self-esteem, quality of life and body image. “This emotional distress likely plays a role in treatment seeking but also can impact successful treatment,” the study noted.

According to the study, several comprehensive reviews have suggested that between 20 percent and 60 percent of people living with obesity, and especially extreme obesity, suffer from a psychiatric illness.

An October 2003 review of 16 intervention studies, published in the peer-reviewed International Journal of Obesity—on the nature and effectiveness of family involvement in weight control, weight maintenance and weight loss interventions—suggested that “parental involvement is associated with weight loss in children, and that use of a greater range of behaviour change techniques improves weight outcomes for both parents and children.”

Uxshely Carcamo, a psychotherapist and nutritionist at The Food Therapy Clinic in London, told Newsweek that talking directly to a loved one about their weight “can be harmful, in that it can make them feel worse about themselves and their body, especially if an eating disorder, such as binge eating disorder, is driving their weight gain.”

A more helpful approach might be to ask the person how they’re doing and feeling, whether they’re doing well, happy and “feeling good in themselves,” the psychotherapist/nutritionist said.

This opens up a non-judgemental dialogue with the person and can be a much more effective way to understand what’s going on with them and any potential factors that may be causing the weight gain.

Carcamo said: “The problem with directly calling someone out on weight gain is that they may not feel very safe around you as a loved one anymore. In fact, they may then start to fear the judgement of you and avoid spending time with you if they have gained weight.”

The psychotherapist/nutritionist said rather than talking about the topic of weight, “which can be very triggering for someone struggling with their weight or an eating disorder,” it can be more helpful to suggest sources of support or help, such as seeing a psychotherapist or someone that can support them with their health.

“Many people struggling with their weight may also be struggling with their mental health too and therefore gaining some support on this front could be extremely beneficial,” Carcamo said.

In a later post, the original poster said their daughter is “obviously aware” that she’s overweight, but perhaps she “doesn’t accept just how bad it is getting because this has happened over the last 10 years.”

The user said: “It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own.

“However, it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter,” the original poster said.

The latest post sparked debate among users on Mumsnet, who were sympathetic towards the original poster.

User purpleboy said: “It sounds as though it’s impacting her day-to-day life, so on that basis I think you should speak to her, but obviously only from a health aspect. We shouldn’t be too scared to speak to those we love about their weight, I know she will know how large she is but ..”

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle agreed that the daughter “knows she’s overweight and you speaking with her about it is unlikely to change that,” but it’s fair to “ask if there’s anything you can do to support her [to] improve her health…”

PutinIsAWarCriminal advised: “Don’t talk to her about her weight. She already knows…What you can do is encourage a healthier lifestyle and healthier eating habits…”

TheYearOfSmallThings agreed, stating: “I wouldn’t say anything. She knows she is very overweight, and she knows the risks of that, but it is very difficult to change eating and exercise behaviors.

“I know it is painful and difficult to watch someone you love doing things that will negatively impact their health, but the truth is you can’t change this, and you could damage your relationship with your daughter by trying,” TheYearOfSmallThings added.

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.