In the post, user Ok_Corner754 explains: “I have 2 kids, 2f, 4f. I f****** hate how everyone thinks of me as being just a mommy now. I don’t get to be my own person. I’m just mommy.”

The post has over 26,000 upvotes and the OP has been voted ’not the a******'.

Losing Your Identity After Having Children

After approximately nine months of a complete upheaval to normal life, socially, physically and emotionally, it can be easy to feel far from yourself. Couple this with the fact that society still leans heavily on traditional gender roles when it comes to looking after children, and it can be easy for women to lose sight of who they used to be after having a baby.

A quick Google search for “women losing identity after having kids” generated 470 million results. This is a known issue, yet some women are still struggling to be seen as more than simply mothers.

‘Mama This, and Mamma That’

The OP describes how over Christmas, her in-laws got her husband presents “that have to do with his hobbies. Me? I get a bunch of mommy s***. Tee hee, mommy needs wine!” She describes matching outfits for her and the toddlers, “as though I think they’re mini versions of myself? Or dolls?”.

She explains: “From the time we got to the in-laws, it was “mama” this and “mama” that. At some point, my SIL said it and I said ‘You know my name is (Carmen), right?’ she just looked at me funny and said “Of course, silly?’ I said ‘So why do you keep calling me “mama”? You aren’t going around calling (husband) papa?’ SIL just looked at me like I had 2 heads and was like ‘Um, okay’.”

“MIL grabbed my hand and squeezed it and said that she was sorry that she made me feel like this. She was just “so excited” about being a grandma and she never really thought of things like that.”

Asking her in-laws why they didn’t get her husband anything that said “papa” on it, she describes how one sister-in-law did that “faux concern thing that’s meant to shame you for having any emotional response,” while another sister-in-law got angry saying: “Is being a mom somehow beneath you” and “do you think you’re better than the rest of us.”

She goes on to explain that although her husband supported her, he also told her she will need to apologize for the outburst at some point. “I said sure,” she concludes, “as soon as SILs apologize to me for years. We’re at a stalemate. AITA?”

What The Experts Say

Newsweek spoke to Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, about the situation.

“This mom certainly has reason to feel frustrated with her family who seems to focus on this one aspect of her identity. Hopefully she feels heard by her MIL who seemed to give an authentic heartfelt response, took responsibility for her behavior and tried to see it from her DIL’s point of view. The issue here is mom’s efforts to make people right and wrong. This will almost always harm family relationships. The challenge is to let people know how you feel inside about their behavior without blame or shame.

“‘When you all call me mama instead of using my name, I feel frustrated and hurt. I’d like you to think about me as a whole person beyond being a mom’. ‘I honestly feel jealous when you give my husband gifts focusing on his many interests and mine focus only on being a mom. Please try to see me as a whole person too’. When we feel hurt or angry, it is easy to treat people like they are ‘wrong’ but that is unlikely to influence folks to see our point of view.”

What Redditors Say

Redditors voted that the OP was not the a****** and the top voted comment with 31,400 likes reads: “No. Your SILs owe you an apology and you owe them….f****** nothing. Even after.”

Second with 9,700 likes, StrangledInMoonlight suggested, “I’m so petty, I’d start calling them “sister-in-law” all the time and only getting them SIL stuff. ‘Oh SIL, here’s your birthday present! (Sister-in-law rides horse) stuff even if I had to special order it.’ Erase them and replace it with SIL stuff.”

NowWithMoreChocolate agreed, writing: “I mean, MIL seem to give a genuine apology. If she does it again after this however, then yeah go for the Granny stuff.”

Newsweek has reached out to u/Ok_Corner754 for comment.

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